My Dog is an Asshole

There, I said it. And I’ll say it again. Despite being cute enough to make the furry felines at seem ugly by comparison, my dog is an asshole.

Oh sure, you’re probably saying, “deep down, I’ll bet he’s a nice doggie.” But you know what? When you have to say that “deep down” someone is nice, it’s because they’re an asshole.

We got him when he was a pup, and I named him “Calvin” after my favorite comic strip, Calvin & Hobbes. Like the lead character in that cartoon, our dog is always causing trouble, and he acts like he’s living in a fantasy world. Except that the cartoon Calvin was actually a likeable kid, whereas our canine Calvin is truly obnoxious.

Calvin constantly wakes us up at all hours of the night wanting to go outside, but when we open the door for him, he sits there and looks at us as though he’s saying, “you don’t actually expect me to go out there, do you?” Then he pees on the carpet.

He splashes his paws in his water bowl and treads muddy footprints all over the floor, then scratches at the empty bowl until we fill it up again. He torments every guest by licking their feet, and when we scold him for it, he starts licking the air around their feet instead, like he’s testing our resolve. And as soon as we start to pet him, he rolls over and exposes his private parts, then looks up at us hopefully (yes, he’s not only an asshole, but he’s also a pervert).

By comparison, our other dog, Gypsy, is one of the sweetest creatures you could ever meet. We picked her up as a stray, and every day she acts thankful for being taken in. Calvin, on the other hand, acts like he expected to be living with royalty, and is supremely disappointed at having to stay with mere commoners.

Late one night a few years ago, after everyone was asleep, an old guitar stashed away in some forgotten upstairs closet suddenly broke a string. Fearing it was an intruder, Gypsy (bless her heart) leapt out of our bedroom, ready to tear apart whoever was responsible for the ruckus. But did Calvin try to protect us? No. Instead, he jumped up on our bed in fear and planted his furry behind squarely on my face. As you can imagine, being awoken by a loud noise in your house and then having something hairy smother you is not a pleasant experience.

He’s clearly a defective dog, but it’s not like we can return him. We have to keep him, even though he steals food from our kids and barks at the slightest noise. I guess we’re stuck with him for the rest of his life (and just before he goes to meet his maker, I’m sure he’ll find time to poop all over the house).

Don’t get me wrong – we love our little Calvin, of course. But he’s still an asshole.

Update: It appears that Calvin has taken offense to this post and has written a response.

13 thoughts on “My Dog is an Asshole

  1. OK, now its time to do a follow up post about why you have an unused old guitar! Make some music in your copious amounts of spare time ;)
    Pretty much all dogs are evil to me, especially small ones. My family had a puppy last year and the damage it caused to our property, costs of supplies, and then the subsequent medical expenses it cost us from my wife’s allergies to pets (which we discovered once we got it of course) was over $2,000.00. Yeah, I love dogs, too.

  2. I have a friend with a similar dog. Turns out the pooch needed some happy meds from the vet, and now he’s all peace and love and reasonable behavior. Ritalin for dogs, whodathunkit?
    My friend insists we should spray the stuff in aerial form on the middle east.

  3. Oh Daddy, I never knew you felt that way! I’m sorry if only I knew how you felt! You can talk to me you know?
    I’ll change, I’ll be good, from now on, promise…

  4. Calvin, how many times have I told you not to comment on my blog?! It gets my keyboard all furry, and besides, you rarely have anything to say other than “want food” and “gotta pee.” Bad dog!

  5. Don’t you get it, while one dog investigates, the other was trying to wake you up, to check out the sound. The fact that planting the furry smelly end over your face was its choosen technique is pretty funny though.

  6. I love when people right and say what they really think. Won’t be long and PETA will be all over you and you may get some face time on one of their retarded billboards right next to Calvin. Hahahahahaha

  7. Whew. I’m glad you finally said this out loud, Nickster. As someone who has frequented Nick’s home and known Calvin most of his life, had my feet licked incessantly and seen his private parts (Calvin’s not Nick’s) I must agree… the little guy IS an asshole (Calvin not Nick). But I too love him. From a distance. :)

  8. My dogs are like furry toddlers. They are extremely high maintenance. They have ruined my yard… there is shit everywhere no matter what I do… I don’t know what to do… I love them. I love that they spend time with me late at night when I am cleaning or studying. But my god, my yard looks awful. My poor “Jones” neighbors who are working so hard to perfect the greeness of their grass but nothing detracts from the absolute crappiness of our giant back yard.
    I’m thinking like – gravel everywhere cuz at least the shit is easier to pick up. Ummm some tall trees so my neighbors don’t have to look at my yard… I’m not sure who I feel worst for my poor bored dogs, my kids who can’t play my yard, or my neighbors who just redid their deck only to have to look at my yard. No matter what I do… it doesn’t get better.

  9. That is absolutely hilarious, and right on the money. My dogs do the same thing when it comes to sitting on my face but they usually does it when there is a thunderstorm. Thanks for posting it.

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